An open letter to my abuserJan 19, 2021
Dear abuser, your enablers and me,
Dear man who exerted his power over me.
Dear mister who believed he was more than me.
Dear little child inside of that man who clung to control to avoid his own wounds.
Dear humans who knew and turned a blind eye.
Dear fear which kept all of you trapped and inadvertently trapped me.
Dear fear which still traps me.
Dear woman who believed you were less than him.
I see you.
I see all of you.
The will you exerted over me to feel your own power was not lost on this little girl. I wonder if you knew the repercussions of your actions, if you would have chosen something different, but that's my pain speaking. I wonder if humans knew how influential they were if they would actually be brave enough to choose something different. I wonder if we let ourselves see our demons, would they still rule our world?
Your choice to exert power and will to get your needs met embedded itself into my unconscious space. At the time I was too young to understand, I begged my caregivers to process with me, but the spell was over all of you. You were all too afraid to look at my pain because it meant facing your own. You were older than me and you believed that made you wiser, so I believed you. I believed that ignoring it was the right answer, pretending like everything was ok and smiling on the outside was more important. You taught me to hold it all together even though I was screaming inside. When that rage bubbled to the surface you punished me because I wasn’t protecting you from the truth. You questioned what was wrong with me when I chose men who have unfelt pain too. You taught me that how I felt inside was not to be trusted. You taught me that my needs were less than someone else's and then wondered why I couldn’t thrive.
I see so clearly, how much easier it is to blame someone else, than it is to look at our own demons, you taught me that too. The truth is though, I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to allow my fears to control who I am. I believe something different and I am tired of hiding my belief to uphold a paradigm which restricts us all.
No more. It's time to let it fall.
I am not afraid to look at my demons and I am not afraid to see yours. Ignoring my screaming parts inflicts pain on others, I want to be a wrench in your side which breaks the cycle. When you push yourself away you teach others to do the same. Don’t you see, your blocked pain caused pain in me. I’m not sure we would stop feeling pain if each human would learn responsibility for themselves, but I am sure we would feel less alone in our pain and human connection is our greatest healer. If we felt less alone, we could heal together and heal our earth too. She is also screaming on the inside and trying to hold it together on the surface, but her rage bubbles up and we place blame.
Dear little boy inside of my abuser who clung to power to protect himself. Dear little girl inside of me who learned to do the same. I will no longer make excuses for you. Your choices have consequences. I will no longer protect you from what you do not wish to see. Responsibility. After all you are strong enough to come undone and see that your truest power lies internally.
Dear fear trapped enablers who do not believe in their own capacity. Dear fear inside of me. I will no longer allow you to believe in the lie that you cannot be all you want to be. I will no longer allow you to stay trapped in your fear. I will stand with you, witness your fear and validate its size, then when you are ready to move into it I will remind you of how strong you are.
Dear expansion, I am ready to see the blessings inside of tragedies. I am ready to help others do the same. I was cooked at the right temperature, with the right ingredients to give me the necessary capacity for empathy and friction to make a change. Now it's time to prioritize connection above comfort and witness the magic it will bring.
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